Miricles in my life were not enough for me. Perhaps I grew stubbern but what ever it was, I once fell again which this time it lasted for a long time. Even with believing God was on my side, it was still hard to stay. It's kinda strange, in new ways my faith would be brought lower. I was conflicted with the thoughts that perhaps hope was just a attepmt to make things right when at the time I was wondering if the world was acually in sorta no real hope. I was conflicted with the ideas of wether reason, or the value of things were created by us or by God, and that if right and wrong was just a point of view. If right and wrong was just a point of view, perhaps I would be less tempted to help people. It's kinda strange, with believing there is right and wrong, you can seek good without it even feeling like a duty, as though you want it, but if it was just all opinion, I would perhaps go my own way and be forever under a void of no hope, perhaps life would take on a lesser meaning and from there on it would have to be created on what I make of it. Even after enduring through the hard times before, I still thought about running away, but I would be yet held though faith, through miricles, though love, and though God. Perhaps even if there was one less of these it would make quite a chance in my life. There are these people called Jehova's Witness's which in a sense lowered my faith, it sorta put me under this influence of going back and forth between there believe and Christianity which both had there ideas which both believed they were right, but were diffrent. I started to wonder "what if there both wrong?" and it wasn't just them but some other influences as well. It started to get to me to the point were I started making reckless choices, when going to the mountains I would not observe the signs of danger, when being physically lost, in sesne there is a sense of enjoyment which at first sounds outright insane, but perhaps it's that natual curiosity. People eventually looked down on me for it. This then would prevent me from getting out into the mountains. After School was out I eventually couldn't take it, not being able to get out. So I wanted an adventure so big it would have me excited about thinking about it for a long time, which it did. I in a sesne ran way, not directly, not intensionally (I did not expect people to worry for me, because mother was gone for days in a row) but they did notice and when I came home I felt like I was further loosing my freedom. The "run away" trip was 140 mile bike ride to Monte Cristo area which was 2 and a half days long. I almost wanted to run away again because of this, but I decided against it. But when I earlier said run away, I mean go out there and not return for a very long long time. It did not occur to me that my ambision was blinding me. And it later got worse.