"...make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty." -Christopher Johnson Mccandless
"You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only...from human relationships. God has placed it all around us...and all you have to do is reach for it." -Christopher Johnson Mccandless
"We are in this... we are in this all the way!" -Franklin D Roosevelt Entry into World War II
This is the sequael to DOWNFALL Part 1 which in ways this has some relation to what happened then. DOWNFALL Part 2: Broken Dreams
February 7, 2009 - July 16, 2009
This time it was worse that any other time of my life, I could have given this story many other titles but I figured it was more like Broken Dreams. I hope never to have a year like this one, it was just way to terrible of a year for me.
During January of 2009 I joined the osat course which from there I got associated with there glacier class. Michael could not join because he did not have $25 for joining the course. I was nervous on how well it was going to work. The first two meetings went very well, I met new people, learned new knots, and knew that opportunity was at my grasp. Adam (Gimpilator) had been telling me months earlier about this course and since he told me I had been very eager to join. I was so thrilled that I would now have the chance to climb the world, to travel to all kinds of places in Washington. But also this would provide an opportunity for me to climb Mount Rainier which my brother and I had dreamed of doing. I thought I had my whole climbing career figured out. I figured people then could no longer say to me "Josh I don't want you on my trip because your not experienced enough", I've heard stuff like that, and that upset me. Long ago during the time of Downfall part 1 I heard a quote "All who had power, lost it" which sounds silly, but I found it to be a strange reality, I think I even considered that quote and thought to myself "Don't screw this one up". I had heard that there was a trip coming up, which had me excited. I decided the best thing for me to do was join along with it. This is where things went down hill, this is when my dreams slipt away from me...
The original Mailbox Peak Trip Report.
It started when I was invited with the osat to join on a conditioner hiking trip up Mailbox Peak. I decided it would be a fun idea to join along, plus Eastking would be there. My brother Michael was my only scource of transportation to get there, which he was not part of the osat group. When we got to the trailhead the group leader was suspicious. "Hey! Don't you know it's osat only for these trips?" he told me and my brother. I knew this already, but we planned it out so that Michael would stay at the trailhead and read a book while I climb up with the rest. "Well I suppose you could join with if you sign a waver form saying we are not liable for you". Michael liked the idea, signed away and was on the trip. We hiked up the mountain at a faster pace than I normally go, which tired me out a bit, but I was keeping up just fine. But then when came time to getting out ski polls, thats when things got ugly. My ski polls are an older pair which do not fold down, as I bent over they came very close to hitting the leader, he was very unpleased.
From then on he had a distrust of me, had my ice axe taken away, and made me borrow someones yak tracks. As we went further up we came across some ice which I started slipping a deal (the group had not noticed this). "If only I had my ice axe" I whispered to myself as I was slipping on the icy slope. As we neared the summit my brother had fallen behind. "Oh No" I thought to myself because I knew they were not going to be happy campers. Perhaps 5 or so minutes later Michael catches up which was a relief. As we got 100 or so feet from the summit I walked in the lead spot, I guess that only the leader was supposed to be ahead, so he was once again not happy. On the summit there was a little bit of chilly winds and he ordered me "Take off your shirt and put on a different one". At first I had a slight hesitation because I had not wanted to, and would have been fine with how I was, but a moment later I did so any ways. Once again he did not seem pleased. Then on the way down I had a moment were I looked a bit tired, so one of the nice ladies gave me some water, I suppose the group leader had found out and was once again not happy.
It was a fun trip, but a few days I was at school and I randomly checked my emails which it said from the osat:
Dear Josh,
Thank you for your interest in OSAT and our Glacier Climbing Class. Unfortunately, when you signed up for the class, we had not explicitly stated a policy regarding minors taking the climbing class. Although OSAT has welcomed young people to the club and the OSAT AA groups with their parents, we are not prepared to take on the responsibilities inherent in including people your age in what is essentially an adult organization and a climbing course designed for adults. Please understand that this is more a recognition of our own limited capabilities than a reflection on you.
I know this will be disappointing news to you. I also have heard that you have an respectable climbing resume for your age, and have no doubt that you could accomplish what is necessary to climb Mt. Rainier. Unfortunately, from our standpoint, getting to the summit of Mt. Rainier is much more than climbing ability, knowledge, and skills. Our first concern is the safety of everyone involved. We are not confident enough in our ability as a small club of volunteers to provide appropriate training to someone your age. In short, this is simply a responsibility that OSAT is not prepared to accept.
This decision did not come easily, as we do not like to turn anyone down with the evident enthusiasm for the mountains that you clearly have. On the other hand, your actions such as showing up to events with your brother who was not registered and expecting the class to accommodate him as well as yourself demonstrated to us that you have not yet reached a level of maturity in judgment that we expect among our climbing students.
-Rik Anderson February 10, 2009
I was very much hurt by this, I don't know if they knew how much this meant to me, but for the rest of that day I was bitter and sad. "How could this be!? This is crazy! This is not fair!" I shouted to myself, although I did understand some of the aspects of what went on, to this day it still feels like an unfair call. "How was I to know my brother was to be "given permission to join" and then have a slight issue on the trip? And I'm getting blamed for that?" At this point I felt as though my dreams of climbing Mount Rainier and many others were done for. "I was so close! So close to having a great year, and it flipped on me all on one trip!" I knew this, and sure enough it became the reality. To some Mountaineering is something someone does every now and then to have fun, but for me it was different, it helped keep me motivated in my daily life, when ever I was far from it I would fall under a deep depression, and this time it was a turn for the worse.
My home life had once again was not going well, there was a point where it seemed like my family was at a crisis, almost everyone seemed depressed. One of my brothers who is in a wheel chair had very bad depression out of all of us, he talked about how he wished he was dead, and how much pain and suffering he goes through. I happen to live in his room which I felt bad for him, but there was not much I could do for his situation. He has this thing called cerebral palsy which he cannot walk, he cannot talk, he cannot eat (he is tubed), nor move very well. He can say "yeah" or "no" but barley, but his brain functions just fine. At 3 a.m. I would wake up to him throwing up on himself, and him starting to choke on his own puke. This was a common thing, which every time I would wake up to the first sounds and it would frighten me because I knew what was about to happen. Getting onto the floor I was worried about stepping in it in the dark, sometimes I would clean it up, and other times another brother would. One of my brothers it was always scary to ask for help, and he would threaten to beat me up except he tells me "If you didn't have autism I would beat you up!". I have to admit that around this time I felt very uncomfortable staying home, and school was not much better.
This for me was the hardest year of school, sophomore year. In fact in general it was the hardest year of my life, I hope never in all of my days to have a year like this one. School once again the class rooms were hot, and the work load was much, and I would come home feeling very stressed out. Every day felt like a day of endurance, I once again started to fantasize on running away, the drama of my life was getting to me. It especially was hard for me in math class, even though in general math problems I believe I do well on, when it comes to theorems and such, especially when they are taught at a rapid pace it made things difficult. If I had missed a theorem I would be stuck on a lot of problems and would have no idea what do do. The teacher was always very busy and could not concentrate much effort on a individual student. At the end of class I began to whisper to myself "I Hate this place! This Zoo! This reality!.. I must get Free!" -Agent Smith. There was one part of my day at school I enjoyed which was art class, without it school would have been a bit too much for me.
The next weekend I had a fun snowboarding trip to help ease my passion for adventure, but the next weekend came another event. Gimpilator and I wanted to get out in the mountains, so we decided on Bald Mountain. Mean while my friend Mark very much wanted me to come with to his birthday party which he invited his friend Chris to Whidbey Island which I knew it would be a fun one, but then I figured I would be giving up two amazing mountain adventures if I went. So my vote went to the mountain adventures, and Mark was not happy when he found out I had wanted an adventure instead. "SCREW YOU!" He told me which pierced me deep.
Bald Mountain was a tough day trip for me, I left the trip very tired and beat up, but now that I had already skipped on Mark's party I figured I better go all out on my adventure.
The Summit Ridge (Well the Easy Part)
Mount Dickerman's Summit
The next day I joined with Eastking for Jolly Mountain, which ended up being perhaps the hardest mountain trip I have ever had in my mountaineering experience.
Each step was painfulness, "Why did I go through with this?" I thought as I pushed my way up the mountain. I'll admit the place certainly was beautiful. As we were climbing up a song I had heard on the radio a few days ago was tuning through my head:
"Baby don't understand why we can't just hold on
to each other's hands
This time might be the last I fear unless
I make it all too clear
I need to sore. Ohhh
Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
learn to live so free...
I think tonight we can take
what was wrong and make it right."
Although because I had only heard the song once it was more like "Take these Broken Dreams..."
After enduring the whole day we did not summit, and my friends were not pleased that I had continued even though I was tired. Some figured I was out of shape, and others thought it was bad judgement on my part, which it was. This was the very beginning of another conflict, but did not catch on until later.
Then in the month of March I went on very little to no hiking trips, the main thing that helped there was all the snowboarding trips. Although I have to say they were like mountain trips, or at least the weather was. Many times I had numb hands, and felt very cold, and I knew that my equipment was bad, but there was little I could do about it, I was able to go in the first place because I had gotten a season's pass for very cheap. But at least they were in the end very enjoyable.
But then I fell into a spiritual conflict during this time, I feel in head over toe on this one. This was the main thing that drove me. I had a friend who is agnostic, and around that time he had been going to my youth groups. Later he asked me if I really believed if Jesus was a real person, which I replied yes. I told him some great things that happened, and he told me it's possible that it is some how coincidence, or that I was so desparatley wanting God that I would be willing to take any good thing as a doing by him. It made me think for a while. I also was dealing with another religious group called "The Jehovah's Witnesses" which were telling me things that were against my own beliefs. They would use biblical evidence to try to prove there points. It's not so much the fear of it they are right or not, but around that time I found things in the bible that seemed contradictory (I figured much of those out these days but back then I did not fully understand them). My youth group leader once told me "It's good to question your faith... it helps build you up", but sometimes when questioned to an extreme it messes with my emotions. I questioned my faith quite a bit around this time, that does not I did not believe which I did and still do, but I wondered.
"What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" -Ecclesiastes 2:22-25 NIV
"I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." -Ecclesiastes 1:14
"Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: I saw the tears of the oppressed--and they have no comforter; power was on the side of their oppressors--and they have no comforter." -Ecclesiastes 4:1
I ran deeply in what Solomon had said, after taking much observation and insight I realized that he was 100% right. That without God that it really does suck out the meaning of life. In Christ there is life, if God was not, we would die without hope. But its even worse than that, if there was no God there would be no meaning nor righteousness in the world. One would argue that the next generation takes over for us, but not only do they die as well, but that even people on earth will not last forever. Even the memories of people will be gone, and eventually the world will too. Also not only does my meaning come from God, but also morals, without God how could I say "I'm doing Good" or "That is immoral"? You can't. All that would remain is the time being that I am living on this earth, and at best it would be only a temporary meaning. It went on and on, but you get the idea.
It was during this time that I came up with the quote "If I cannot have one, I will have none". Basically if I cannot have God, my heart would be shattered, as well as my hopes and dreams. I would be brought into deep fear. Even more so I would not be able to endure my daily life. Me going to school and such, it is because of God that I do these things. I figure I'm doing the right thing. If I some how was not doing the right thing, and was only doing this for myself, I would say "Screw it". I'll admit, I'm not a very motivated person when it comes to doing stuff for myself, or at least not long term. When I went to school this philosophy would swirl in my head back and forth. I once again fantasized on running away, if I was not doing the right thing by staying, what was I doing here? But the other side of me very much wanted to stay because I did believe I was doing the right thing in staying. In my school work I was having having many struggles, I could see other kids around me not struggling as much as me, and able to do all their work. As for me I fell into a deep depression thinking mabe I am wrong, and that mabe I am stupid, and that mabe I really do not belong. The thoughts would tear at me during classes, sometimes I could not contain myself, set down my head on the table and wept.
At the same time I was also starting to loose my sanity, I noticed I would begin to laugh in a crazy way, but at the same time try to contain myself. Oh how I wished there was someone I could have told. Or at least given me advice during these times. "Nothing is ever what it seems, some people make life seem so simple, but the reality is that is isn't" I would say this to my self during these times. To this day I'm amazed that I endured such times, and quite thankful to be alive. My daily life reminded me of this video:
Ok so I don't have to do something physically crazy all at once, but the mental endurance kept dragging on and on, and when getting little encouragement to do the right things, it becomes difficult.
Loss of Idealism
"I'm an idealist who lives freely upon my ideals." I used to say that about myself, idealism seemed nice, but then Irealized something. Rather than Idealism, why not seek truth? So I came up with a quote "Don't give me sugar, give me truth. I want the truth even if it is dirty". I once heard a quote:
"Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive." --William F. Buckley Jr. which for a long time I hated that quote until I put more consideration into it. So ideals fell away from me, and from now on I would try to seek truth. The results of lossing idealism were not that bad, I still persued God (I still do). But it was interesting to see it go away...
"Now that I loved you from the start
When we've believed in who we are
I never dreamed my life this way.
Don't wish upon a falling star
love will remind us who we are
I dreamed a dream, so much has changed...
And the light that you've been keeping inside
Will guide you on your way"
On April 5, 2009 Eastking invited me for a trip up Blow Down Mountain which before this one I had not done one since Jolly Mountain. Eastking called it "my redemption" because I proved to do well, although Redwic did not seem pleased. The next week I went on a small hiking trip (which really was not much but enough to hold me over). For the proceeding weeks there were no hiking trips. I began to read a book called "Into the Wild" which caught my fasination. I have to admit, sometimes books are dangerous, school always told me that they are good, but when one gets to inspired, they can go the wrong way. There were some quotes in the book that had me very much inspired "The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun". Although I can't say the quote is fully true, it certainly has some truth to it, and that we should have each day as if it were a new day.
Summit View
My friends were either busy with osat or could not have a ride, so I went more weeks without a hike. "I'm getting outraged" I thought to myself as the month went on. Then in Late April I saw on the osat calendar an opening for hiking to Camp Muir. "Oh yeah!" I yelled aloud and shouted for joy. I called the trip leader and he says "Oh sorry, it's acually for glacier climbing class students only, forgot to mention that on the calendar". "Arggg, well we could go there the previous day, it't not like they own the mountain... right?". When I got home from school my mom made my brother do chorses which I was getting impatient to get to Rainier. We then dashed out when the time was right, or so I though. When we got to Rainier the gate was closed until the next morning. We were dissappointed. When we woke up the next morning they opened the gate late enough for the osat to see us at the parking lot. "This was not suppose to happen this way" I thought to myself as I hoped for them not to get angry with me. At the trailhead it was a pure white out, but we continued on anyways. As we were going up the pure white we eventually break through the clouds. After that we almost arrive at camp Muir which some guys offered/ convinced me it was ok to solo the Cowlitz Glacier. We crossed it part way, it got a bit icy so I turned around. Mean while the osat was watching. We then hurry back down, and are in a storm again, we see the osat on the way down but not much more than that. We get to the parking lot and head home. I had the worst sun burn in my life!
After missing a few days of school (due to the terrible sun burn) and then back to school, although at school I was feeling bad with the sun burn. A few days I recieve the bad news from osat:
Dear Josh,
Several OSAT members reported that you showed up at Paradise weekend before last and climbed to Camp Muir and back during the Glacier Climbing Course climb that Pete Litwin led. Pete told me that you called him before the climb, and that he had explained that our event was limited to GCC students and graduates. Reports that you were poorly equipped, that you traveled out onto the Cowlitz Glacier unroped, and that you were lost and relied on others to help get you safely back to the parking lot are troubling. Your own internet report of this mis-adventure displays a troubling lack of concern and understanding that your actions are unsafe to you and to others. It is evident in their reactions to your Internet report that other climbers are also alarmed.
Mountaineering is not something you can learn by repeatedly making mistakes. Your climbing history to date demonstrates that you have not yet learned this important principle. Our concern is that you will not learn it until it is too late. As with many teenagers, it is clear that your ambitions and physical capabilities far outpace your experience, technical knowledge, and common sense. In mountaineering such a lack of balance is dangerous to yourself and others in the absence of close supervision, a level of oversight that we as a club are not qualified to provide. You are a danger not only to yourself and your companions, but to others on the same mountain who may be called upon to provide you aid when you get into difficulties. -Rik Anderson May 6th, 2009
I wrote up a trip report on the Camp Muir trip which outraged many people including my friends. At this point my friends did not want any involvement with me (well most of my hiking friends that is). I was also hurt even more getting completely kicked out of osat, looking like the villan of the story. There were some false things in what was said, they did not acually help us back, if anything my brother was along side with them helping them figure out the way down. By this point I knew that my climbing was done for, or at least for a long time. "It's not fair! It's not fair!" I repeated to myself. "If I was some how less ambitious, perhaps then I would be better off". But I knew that was childs play and that either way, abition or not, I would not have gotten what I want. I did start to wonder if perhaps God did not want me to have adventures, but they still were very important to me. I was then caught in very strange emotions, sometimes I wondered if anyone has felt some of the things I have. I suppose so. When I went to bed at night I would have a hard time sleeping because I was some how in a state of fear. I would always be wondering things, or I would fear that my ambition would get the best of me. I felt as though the world thought I was wrong for persuing mountaineering. But my friends do it, and they get off clean? When ever I would ask for partners I would get no replies, who would? Not only do they not know me, but I'm a liability and for all they know I could be some crazy teenager who might be rude or make there time less enjoyable. I was offered into another glacier course for free but I needed at least one parent which was completely not possible. It's hopeless I would whisper as I went to sleep, perhaps I'm persueing a dream that I should not have, my dreams felt as though some how broken.
"Don't you wanna go for a ride
Just keep your hands inside
And make the most out of life
Now don't you take it for granted
Life is like a mean machine
It made a mess outta me
It left me caught between
Like an angry dream I was stranded, I was stranded
And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake
And I don't know how much more I can take
This is it now
Everybody get down
This is all I can take
This is how a heart breaks
You take a hit now you feel it break down
Make you stay wide awake
This is how a heart breaks
Don't you wanna go for a ride
Down to the other side
Feels so good you could cry
Now won't you do what I told you
I remember when you used to be shy
Yeah, once we were so fine
You and I why you gotta make it so hard on me
And I'm sorry but it's not a mistake
And I'm running but you're getting away..."
Through out May Adventure was running very dry, snow boarding was out of season, and I was not getting any mountain trips in. I will admit I did go for an experiment trip. This trip was used to see if it was acually possible to go into the mountains without some thing being in the way, I figured if the day came where I would hop on my bike and bail, I might as well have it figured out. My friend Sean sneaked away from home and went on a bike ride to Snohomish. It was a success. If I really wanted to I could have the adventure, all I had to do was act. I kept talking myself out of it, but each time it became over whelming, the tought of staying at home. During the month of May I had only one trip, and it was a luxury camping trip with Sean and his parents, very little adventure there.
By June I decided at the very least I was to wait til school got out, perhaps then things might get better. To my amazement things did not get better. When school got out towards late June I made a few attempts to get trips going. Gimpilator would have taken me to Columbia Peak but we had no way of getting there, my mom's car was having break problems. Iron (Mike) was going to climb Mount Adams with me, but he had forgotten and made other plans. I think it was then that was the snapping point for me, my summer was looking miserable, and something had to be done!
"The littlest of Actions is better than the greatest of intentions". This quote fueled my adventure also, I had recently got done reading "Into the Wild" and felt that if I just keep on intending on adventures, where is that going to get me? So I tried fixing up my bike, packed up my gear and decided "This is it! I'm going to the mountains because I was BORED!" -Into the Mountains. The adventure was astonishing, in the trip report (Into the Mountains) I had wrote on it I had left out some of the excitement of it, but when I got back my family was quite displeased.
Misty Mountains as I leave
The Sunset at the end of the Day
The next day I posted a trip report and was "perminatley banned from nwhikers" although really I was banned for a few weeks which I thought was going to be forever banned because thats what I was told. "Alright, they want to ban me because of my story, have it there way". A few days later mom took me to Mount Dickerman which it was amazing how soon adventure had come. But after this I did not have another adventure until July 16, 2009.
In earlier July I tried to get partners for trips. No one was willing to take me anywhere, no one trusted me. It was like the gates on all angles were closed. My friends were concerned with me, although there was not much they could do. I posted a bit on cascadeclimbers which I suppose brought a little fame or a way for people to find out about me. One guy named Chris asked me if I wanted to Climb Mount Rainier on July 16, 2009. My answer was "Yes! I would love to climb Rainier!". It was either try to shoot the moon and risk everything (my reputation, possible partners, ect) to possibly win people's approval of me. It was go big or go home, there was no in between zone, no easy ways out, it was either win or fail trying. Sadly it was fail trying..
