I have under gone many changes in my attitude in my life. The one's described below are some of my older ways of thinking. My attitude towards life is much better, and some of these problems I face even to this day!

Me Currently

I am feeling much better than I have in the past, I am at peace, and hope to do some great stuff.

Mountain Heart

Ever since I was little, I would look out at the mountains and say I want to be there. When I was 12 years old, I had a tiny bit of hiking experience from some hill in Eastern Washington, and Wallace Falls, but that was pretty much it,butI got to hike up my first mountain which was Mount Pilchuck, Febuary 2005, and although it was fun, it was also scary for me, never going up a real mountain, and it being icy and such. But ever since, me and my family started hiking nearly every weekend! I could'nt stop my self, when ever I had the chance, I would for sure take it! We would end up summiting a lot at sunset. This too helped with my asma because hiking a lot got me in better shape, and of coarse we did'nt go at a fast pace. As the years go, I feel my self physically getting farther and farther from nature, but my heart getting closer and closer. The closer I got, the farther I would feel from home, but I was of coarse living were I do. This is were the separation started. I was on a path very few can follow. I felt like I lost touch with society and at times perhaps life it self. It was quite emotional. There came the time when my mother was always so busy, and we did not have enough money, and just enough to get by. At this time, I felt alone. For some reason the name Sloan comes to mind because Sloan sounds like alone, and Sloan is a mountain that is far away from any civilization. Sadness soon filled my heart, that I was away from my great love. Perhaps it was mountains that were true love at first sight. I love mountains so much because it is a place I can feel my self feel spiritually alive! But when I stay at home, I feel nothing but disappointment. Apathy and sorrow soon took place of my emotions.

I do not belong...

I feel my self fading away from this society. I feel as though I do not belong. Everyone is so diffrent from me, because I'm so diffrent from everyone else. I can feel the great deal of loneliness. I can feel the void getting closer and closer, every day I wait. Until perhaps one day sainity will break loose into insanity! The more I wonder, the more lostI become. Is there ever a end to this wondering? I feel as though I am held on a hope that is hanging on a edge, and all that is keeping me is what is good in my heart. If it were'nt for my love for the people, my love for God, and my desire to do great things, I would gladly leave to a world so far away.

Separation

I feel as though I am separated from everything, God, the world, school, mountains, hope, family, and even my self. I felt like I was so lost in my thoughts. The more I talk to people, the more I get made fun of. And I felt like I was deeply alone even when around people. I felt like there was no hope for me. The more I attept to reason, the worse things were off. To me, Nothing is as it seems, things are not how they should be, things are not how they appear. In my every day life, I feel myself exhausted, so tired out of my mind. and its not that I get into bad things, but my irresponsibility takes me beyond what I'm capible.

Wondering

There were times in my life were I was wondering to myself, what is my purpose in life, why did god put me here on this earth? This question arose when I was in middle school. At the school I had few friends, and for me, I do not like being lonely. I was left out a lot in school, and wanted more friends. People eventually started calling me stupid, which to this day really bugs me! And I kept hearing people say it so much, I eventually gave in and believed them. The reason I had little friends is because I would not hang out with mean people or people who swear, because I learned in church that it is important to not hang out with such people. But I remained faithful. And of coarse i'm diffrent from everyone else.

The Coming of Darkness

When the mean people kept coming to me, it kept making me sick day after day, and It started making me sad every day. Although I would always hide it, I did not want people to know that I was sad. In 6th grade it was then that I began hiking, which is whenI had aincredible experience of mountains, I would go almost every weekend, until we started running low on money, and I was stuck at home. At school, I read a books about adventures, and about going into the wild. At this point in my life, I been dying for some adventure, because of being stuck at home. Every day of going back to school, the sorrow getting worse and worse until it felt like a raging fire in my heart. It burned, and almost felt like is was terring away at me.It was not of anger but of sadness.I could not help but feel a great deal of emtieness and the sadness kept getting worse and worse. I eventually started thinking of myself as useless and thought perhaps the world would be better without me. I never had thoughts of suicide because I even then greatly value life, but though for some reason that I need to get away from the world of society. It got to the point were I wanted to run away, free myself from thisworld of pain. Perhaps everyone would be better off if I just leave.

Heart of Pain

At this point, I wanted to run away, run away from everyone, run away from who I am, get out, and in a sesne set my spirit free. I wanted to run away to the mountains, and I even had a plan of how I would do it, and I knew if I did, it would be crazy, but after all, I am a die hard! But when I kept wanting to, for some reason I could'nt, something inside me that would'nt let me. It was'nt that I was afraid, but I did not want to leave my family, and people would worry. And there was something else... but at the time I just was'nt sure. So as I kept getting tempted, at school, which I was'nt very good at, I would some times just put my head down and just cry. And not just like your sad about something, but a complete feeling of hoplessness. A feeling of being so alone in the world, and that I've got nothing and that everyone is better than me. It started to make me even a bit crazy, but as before, I would'nt show it to the people I cared about. And it was'nt like I planned on running away, I was going too!

Will in everything

At the same time that the bad stuff was going on, slightly before, I kept discovering secrets of what is important in life. My brother got me into running, and because I had asma, running is hard. For almost every night for months I started running, and it was difficult, but it felt good to try hard. I eventaully learned that trying hard in what you do is very important. A quote comes to mind "The Training is nothing, the will is everything, the will to act" -Ras al Ghul. I evenually started putting more effort into life, and it really started helping. But the feeling of emptieness was still there, and it got worse.

Finding a Purpose

At this point, I really was looking for something in life, but could not understand what. I would pray to god for guidence. One day in leadership class, the teacher asked the class "Is your passion compassion?" This question really hit me, and made me really think. He also mentioned that being a leader is a servant.I been into wanting to do the right thing, but when in bed one night, it came into my head what I want in life. To help other people in need. At this point of my life, understnading and wisdom kept coming to me, and I was into doing the right thing. This was a very exiting time in my life! At this point, the bullies started to not come around as much. After a series of going back and forth with my emotions, I felt that my life was more meaningful, and I was happy for a long long time! But as they say, whats there just ain't so, a strange feeling of emptieness came over me, perhaps it was all the stuff going on in my life.

On the Edge between right and what I want

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

My mind or me wanted a life so selfish, I desparatly wanted to live a life of my self, live how I want to live, not caring about the world, and not giving a care if people are in need, and wanting just my sorrows to go away. But! Theres this perspective of me, one I call the Heart of me... It would be the oposite, I at the same time very much desired in wanting to help the world, do the right thing, and really reach out into the world. Because a part of me contridicted it self, it was like a fight between my light and darkness, and it would result me ending satisfied and happy, or terribly full of sorrow.

The Dark Void

The Void is a feeling of emptieness inside me, all the time when things go good, the joy can last only so long before bad stuff happends in my life, and I soon get this feeling of being unwanted, and unusefulness to the world, no matter how hard I try, it is always there. It's ability to over power me, I feel like crawling into a dark corner, but I know that it does'nt help... or atleast it makes me feel uneasy when I do this. I have looked very deep inside myself, and some people say it does'nt matter if God exist or not. Well, I say so. When my faith is dry, I looked into my self, so much emptieness, and not just in me, put perhaps the world it self! If there were no God, no creator, is this life without purpose? Are we just here? And I felt sick when thinking about such things. If there were no purpose and no hope for the world, would there be less meaning in the world? I would'nt go out doing bad things, and I would still very much value life, but I would do as I wanted before. My Mountains. But as I feel these dark emotions, I always fight against it, always reasoning. It felt to the point were it was cutting my very soul, and still cutting deeper. Until I seeked God, and waited, and waited, and then went for a run. For some reason running is good medicine. It is'nt something like I go out try a bit were I'm a bit out of breathe, but I try until my heart is hurting, and my breath as hard as it could be. I would feel sickly tired, and prey, and suddenly feel better, and have the endurance and strength to continue. That always amazes me. That I really believe that God is helping me, and giving me the spiritual energy to keep going, and the strength to continue. The fear sometimes get to me, if I just knew there was'nt God, perhaps I would'nt have as much passion to seek the right thing. In a sesne it's a little bit of bad character on my part. To barry my dark emotions is one thing, but to ocer come them is another, it feels like it is never endless, like a chasing of the wind.

Temptation

Even after find my purpose in life, temptation was always there, It would bring me to the point were I would in a sense go crazy, the temptation is mountains. I would always find myself lusting for mountains, some times so bad, that perhaps to free my self from the pain of not being with them is to stop thinking about them... but that was not possible. It is always a stuggle, It has some how become a part of me. Mountains, Mountains, Mountains! Without them, I do not feel like myself. Perhaps I have become to attatched to such things. But if you have experienced nature, and loved it how I loved it, its a whole diffrent perspective. It try's to take me to take me away from city life, with all my might I resist it's mighty temptation, I know how awesome the natural world is compared with what I've got now, but I know I must'nt give in, for the sake of doing the right thing!

Apathy Times

There are times that I feel that I am without emotion, perhaps even without thought, to me, this is one of the worst of all feelings, to loose feelings. These mood swings do not last long, but I sometimes feel that I am with happienss, without sadness, without energy, and do what I need to do, until this mood sorta just goes away.

Nothing as it seems

Life is not what it seems, people may say that daily life is'nt complicated or some might not have too bad of a time, but for me, things are often times not always as they seem. For example, I get a computer, my brother gets a virus on it, and it does'nt work, ok, I get a laptop, and then the charger brakes... this is just one of the many things that go wrong. Also for school, I have an over heating problem, for some reason It's as if I were born for colder climates, and the heaters at school are so so terribly hot! And this makes school very difficult, plus I get sweaty from the heat, and dissy, and ichy, oh, and I forgot to mention, the stale air! Also if I wore shorts, my legs have a skin problem so they would get extremely ichy, so thats out of the question. Moring coming later...

Over Coming the Void

To over come the Void, it has to be done though love, compassion, and all that is good. When I lose site of this, the Void in my heart comes back and over takes me, but I do not let it get to far. And its not like I make any of this up, its strange that I get all so many emotions. I believe one of the worst is apathy, the feeling of nothing, which you feel no happieness nor sorrow, and your completly out of your mind tired. Running and hiking help me over come the void because I feel a greatness when I'm out there, like I'm away from the world, and I am free of worries. It is an incredible experience that changes my thinking and how I view the world. I also prey a lot, and it helps, I really believe so. Many times it goes away, but always to come back. In my everyday life. I feel great joy, and great sadness, although not every day, but the majority of them. Perhaps something wrong with me. Not sure what, but I'm also able to over come. Perhaps some day it will be gone forever from me, but I wait until that some day.

Faithfulness

I have learned in my years of seeking wisdom and what is important in my life, and I found that Faithfulness is one of the most important. I have heard this many times in church that faithfulness is important, but I really came between my undertanding and how important it really is. To me it is important to have faithfulness in God, and also in that I can do great things, and my faithfulness helps compell me to keep going when times are hard, when times are bad, and to the point were I ant to give up.

Stale Air

Often when I go to school, the air is so bitterly stale, at times, some classes more than others. It feels so dry, hot, and smells bad, and it often makes me feel so dizzy, so crazily dizzy that my crazy emotions are what sometimes keep me awake. Why I ask, Why is it so hot? People here in this climate do not want to have to get used to colder weather, so instead change there inviroment itself by having the heat way up so that they have there luxury heat. The problem is that I over heat easy. and as weird as it sounds, at my house we do not have much money to spare, and especially on luxuries such as a hot house, so I end up getting used to the temperature of were I live, but if I do, I get very hot at school which majorly impacts my performance. In many ways, this is what cuase some my Apathy moments, being so dizzy, and without thought, and feeling like passing out which sometimes I did. So I would go from being cold at home to being very hot at school, and I just could'nt get used to either. It's the worst of both worlds in a sense. I guess my ability to adapting to diffrent tempterature enviroments is not that good, although I can adjust to cold much much faster and better.

I believe in Miricles

I believe in Miricles. They happend more often than people realize. When things go wrong in my life, there are times were there is still a light, when I think things are going to get worse, out of miricles, things get better for me. It is very interesting that how often they happen, and that people take them for granet.


A Constant Struggle of Faith and Hope
Miricles in my life were not enough for me. Perhaps I grew stubbern but what ever it was, I once fell again which this time it lasted for a long time. Even with believing God was on my side, it was still hard to stay. It's kinda strange, in new ways my faith would be brought lower. I was conflicted with the thoughts that perhaps hope was just a attepmt to make things right when at the time I was wondering if the world was acually in sorta no real hope. I was conflicted with the ideas of wether reason, or the value of things were created by us or by God, and that if right and wrong was just a point of view. If right and wrong was just a point of view, perhaps I would be less tempted to help people. It's kinda strange, with believing there is right and wrong, you can seek good without it even feeling like a duty, as though you want it, but if it was just all opinion, I would perhaps go my own way and be forever under a void of no hope, perhaps life would take on a lesser meaning and from there on it would have to be created on what I make of it. Even after enduring through the hard times before, I still thought about running away, but I would be yet held though faith, through miricles, though love, and though God. Perhaps even if there was one less of these it would make quite a chance in my life. There are these people called Jehova's Witness's which in a sense lowered my faith, it sorta put me under this influence of going back and forth between there believe and Christianity which both had there ideas which both believed they were right, but were diffrent. I started to wonder "what if there both wrong?" and it wasn't just them but some other influences as well. It started to get to me to the point were I started making reckless choices, when going to the mountains I would not observe the signs of danger, when being physically lost, in sesne there is a sense of enjoyment which at first sounds outright insane, but perhaps it's that natual curiosity. People eventually looked down on me for it. This then would prevent me from getting out into the mountains. After School was out I eventually couldn't take it, not being able to get out. So I wanted an adventure so big it would have me excited about thinking about it for a long time, which it did. I in a sesne ran way, not directly, not intensionally (I did not expect people to worry for me, because mother was gone for days in a row) but they did notice and when I came home I felt like I was further loosing my freedom. The "run away" trip was 140 mile bike ride to Monte Cristo area which was 2 and a half days long. I almost wanted to run away again because of this, but I decided against it. But when I earlier said run away, I mean go out there and not return for a very long long time. It did not occur to me that my ambision was blinding me. And it later got worse.

 

A Cold Conflict between People and Friends

A few weeks later I wanted me and my friend to climb Mount Rainier with a few other guys. It did not work out, and we did not make the summit. After the trip I said something that offended my friends family ("It is ironic that my friends Dad changed me gas money but not the strangers") which I did not mean to and ever since they have a bit of a grudge against me and tell my friend "Your friend is a unappreciative friend, you should not go climbing with him" which I felt bad for and later appologized for, which the situation is a bit worse than I expected or thought of. And I fear that this might cause trouble in my friendship with him. Even my friend at first was angry about the ordeal which I then realized a few words can go a long ways. It also became worse my reputation of my hiking, even after I took a turning point and started to become responsible, it was too late. I believe some people in a suttle sense gossip about me or say things that are not fully true and makes people even more not want to hike with me. Fortunatly though by trying to be responsible it may some day change people's minds.

Walking into the Light
In August I went to this place called Lakeside Bible Camp and served there for 3 weeks. It was a very awesome experience. I felt deely encouraged. I was discouraged from school the previous year because i felt like my works were not for good, and that what ever I did was not working towards something of high meaning, I need my life to be full of meaning. I later learned that I should be working for Christ.